A Short Guide To Dealing With Your Anger

Psychosocial & Wellbeing Lead // BEN PORTER

Anger, like all human emotions, has both constructive and destructive potential. Here our Psychosocial and Wellbeing Lead BEN PORTER shares some ideas on how to respond when you get angry.

As a natural part of the human experience, anger can serve valuable purposes in our lives: it can fuel our motivation to challenge injustice, help us communicate when something matters deeply to us, or function as an emotional warning system—alerting us when situations require our immediate attention and response. Recognising its potential benefits allows us to harness this powerful emotion in ways that enhance rather than diminish our wellbeing.

However, when anger ‘takes over’ – when it dictates our actions and behaviour without us stopping to think – and when it has the potential to hurt yourself or others (physically or emotionally), then it’s time to regain control.

Anger is often talked about as a ‘secondary emotion’. This means it’s often the result of an overwhelming incident, that leads to us put up defences in order to protect ourselves. The primary emotion is often one of fear, hurt, shame, humiliation or helplessness. So when you experience anger, it can be helpful to try and identify this primary emotion, in order to rationally and helpfully move towards a solution in which you deal with your anger in a healthy way.

So, if you’re ebbing in the direction of anger and reacting on impulse, we encourage you to preserve your energy and decide how you want to respond to the situation you find yourself in. Below is a list of things you should and shouldn’t do.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO

Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that circumstances are difficult and be kind with yourself.

Look for patterns in your anger. Be curious, and ask yourself questions like: What are the typical circumstances in which I become angry? Is it heightened by tiredness, hunger, stress or pressure? What topics or situations trigger my anger? Is there a typical time of day? What other patterns can you find?

Control your anger before it controls you. Make a plan to mitigate the circumstances in which you become angry. For example, if looking at the news first thing in the morning stirs your anger, then wait until you’ve been up a while before you do this. And when you do feel anger coming on, make quick adjustments.

If you are feeling rage, count to ten in sync with your breathing. This helps to slow and contain the rapid thinking, and it sends signals to your nervous system that you’re not under threat and that it’s okay to regain your calm.

Remember the phrase “stop and think”. This is a common tool in anger management. When your anger escalates, reminding yourself of the phrase “stop and think” gives you permission to take a break from what is triggering your anger, and helps get your emotions and decision-making back under control.

Learn to express what you need. Anger can stem from feeling out of control. If you can be appropriately assertive with those around you, if rather than blaming or name-calling to people around you, you can use “I” statements to explain your feelings, and state exactly what you need, then you can regain your calm. For example, you may simply ask to be given a bit of space or alone time by your coworkers.

Get your body on your side. Anger can come with intense levels of adrenaline which puts your body in a hyper-vigilant state. You can counteract this by employing ‘happy hormones’ such as serotonin and endorphins. Think diet, exercise, and pleasurable activities. When you notice your anger welling up, or you are in a state of rage, these can help reset your feelings.

THINGS TO AVOID

Avoid ongoing withdrawal. While it may be important to get some time to cool down, make an effort to re-engage and connect with people, to help you avoid wallowing in your anger.

Avoid addictive escapes. Things like drugs or alcohol will not serve you in the long run – and often not in the short run either. Substances may temporarily numb angry feelings, but they typically intensify emotions once their effects wear off, creating a destructive cycle that makes the original issue worse.

Avoid holding resentments. Holding resentment takes a lot of energy and is a dead-end road. Releasing your resentment may take place within yourself or with the person you’re in conflict with. Try writing a letter expressing all your feelings toward the person or situation (without sending it), then symbolically releasing it by safely burning it or tearing it up.

Avoid over-thinking about things that you can’t change. Try to be aware when these thoughts cycle around your head, and try to respond by steering them into a direction of your choosing.

Lastly, our anger is usually telling us something important and pointing us to something that needs our attention, so avoiding it altogether isn’t helpful. Unexamined anger drains our energy, especially if we hold onto it for a long time. But facing the reality of our anger allows us to draw near to it and find ways of transforming it.

Sometimes we need help to uncover the source and motivations behind our anger. If anger has become worrisome or problematic, get in touch with someone that can help. Consider an appointment with one of our counsellors.

If you or someone in your team could benefit with speaking someone about what’s on your mind, then explore counselling with us here.